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DEPRESSION AND MENTAL HEALTH

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Feelings are too powerful to remain peacefully bottled. They will be heard one way or another, whether it leaks or bursts. And if handled without honesty or indirectly, they contaminate communication.<h1>Feeling Matter</h1>Feelings are often at the heart of difficult conversation. They are part of what makes good relationships so rich and satisfying. Feelings like passion and pride, warmth and silliness, jealousy, disappointment and anger let us know that we are fully alive.At the same time managing feelings can be enormously challenging. Our failure to acknowledge and discuss feelings derails a startling number of difficult conversations.The inability to deal with difficult conversations like feelings openly and well can undermine the quality of health of our relationships.<h2>We try to frame feelings out of the problem</h2>It is a common pattern that we frame the problem exclusively as a substantive disagreement and believe that if only we were more skilled at problem solving, we would be able to lick the thing.Solving problems seems easier than talking about emotions. Framing feelings out of the problem is one way we cope with the dilemma of whether we raise something or avoid it.The potential costs involved in sharing feelings makes raising them feel like a big gamble. When we lay our feelings on the table, we run the risk of hurting others and of ruining relationships. We also put ourselves into a position to get hurt.The problem is that when feelings are at the heart of what’s going on, they are the business at hand and ignoring them is nearly impossible.Framing feelings out of the conversation is likely to result in outcomes that are satisfying for both parties. The real problem is not dealt with, and further, emotions have an uncanny knack for finding their way back into the conversation and usually in not very helpful ways.<h2>Unexpressed feelings can leak into a conversation</h2>Unspoken feelings can color the conversation in a number of ways. They alter your affect and tone of voice. They express themselves through body language and facial expressions.They may take the form of long pauses or an odd and unexplained detachment. You may become sarcastic, impatient, aggressive, defensive or unpredictable.Few people are good at detecting factual lies, some can determine when someone is distorting, manufacturing or withholding an emotion. That’s because, if clogged, your emotional pipes will leak.Unexpressed feelings can create so much tension that you disengage. You choose not to work with a certain colleague because you have so many unresolved feelings about them, or you become distant from your spouse, children or friends.<h2>Unexpressed feelings can burst into the conversation</h2>Most people, the problem is not that we are unable to express our feelings, but that we are unable not to. We get angry and show it in a way that is embarrassing or destructive.We cry and explode when we would rather act composed and capable.There are possible explanations for anger or tears, some of which have deep psychological roots. One common explanation is that we don't cry or lose our temper because we express our feelings too often but because we express them too rarely.<h2>Unexpressed feelings makes it difficult to listen</h2>Unexpressed feelings can cause more subtle problems. The two hardest communication tasks in difficult conversation are expressing feelings and listening.When people have difficulty listening, often it’s not because they don’t know how to listen well but it’s because they don’t know how to express themselves well.Unexpressed feelings can block the ability to listen because good listening requires an open and honest curiosity about the other person, and a willingness and the ability to keep the spotlight on them.Buried emotions draw the spotlight back to us. It is hard to hear someone else when we are feeling unheard, even when the reason we feel unheard is that we have chosen not to share. Our listening ability often increases remarkably once we have expressed our own strong feelings.<h2>Unexpressed feelings take a toll on our Self-Esteem and Relationships</h2>When important feelings remain unexpressed, you may experience a loss of self-esteem wondering why you don’t stick up for yourself. You deprive your friends, colleagues and family members of the opportunity to learn and to change in response to your feelings. It might ruin and hurt relations with these people.By keeping your feelings out of the relationship, you are keeping an important part of yourself out of the relationship.<h2>A way out of the feelings bind</h2>While the drawbacks of avoiding feelings are inevitable, the drawbacks of sharing feelings are not. If you are able to share feelings with skill, you can avoid many of the potential costs associated with expressing feelings and reap unexpected benefits.<ol><li>You need to sort out what your feelings are.</li><li>You need to negotiate with your feelings.</li><li>You need to share your actual feelings, not attributions or judgments about the other person.</li></ol>Photo by <a target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://unsplash.com/@anniepm?utm_source=unsplash&amp;utm_medium=referral&amp;utm_content=creditCopyText" alt="Annie PM">Annie PM</a>

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